failing and falling... and climbing back up

The team told me the meals were good, but I got a different word from others, and I have to admit that I wasn’t so impressed with myself. The timing is insane when trying to cook for 50+ people, and I haven’t been in the rhythm I need. And when someone tells you outright you need to go to spaghetti class, it doesn’t quite make your day. There’s so much to learn for a seemingly thankless job. And when I took on the cooking, I didn’t realize that there was so much cleaning involved as well. Cleaning is not my favorite activity.
Plain and simple, I failed a lot this week. Only a few saw it, but it was so evident to me that I once again felt completely inadequate to be here. Is that how I’m supposed to feel throughout this whole summer? Or will some measure of confidence slowly start to creep into my life as I continue to cook and live 24/7 with this crazy job? There are definite moments when I look up at the sky and ask God what he was thinking…

Our “days off” have been more than incredible. They always involve cleaning, which isn’t my favorite, but kinda has to be done. But then there are hours and moments like we had today, as we hiked far down into the canyon and saw the most incredible sights. Pictures are never good enough, and for those of you that could make the hike, I would encourage you to come down here in a heartbeat. God’s handiwork is everywhere, and as we sat and listened to Daniel’s canyon stories, I have to admit I was convicted. They’re testing our character here. Maybe that’s why life seems so hard sometimes… most times. Maybe the hike down was a test of character. Did I pass? I made it back up, but I honestly have no idea what they think of me.
But does it really truly matter? Am I here to please the people here or am I here because this is where God has placed me? Where’s my focus? Who’s my focus? It’s a hard question to answer. Hard because you have to deal with the people you’re working with and yet they are not perfect either, like me… and I’m not here to worship them or give them any sort of glory. It’s all for Him. It’s all for the man who saved me so many years ago and brought me to this place.

I’ve failed and I’ve fallen in the past week. But even when I’m tired and I can’t breathe, I know there’s some sort of strength in me to climb back up. I did it tonight. I made it back to the top of the canyon. And yes, I had some amazing people standing beside me or behind me or holding my hand. But there was still some courage and strength to get back up. It came from Him, the man I’ll gladly hand my life over to.

you learn something new every day...

*to all my future housemates and family…
… I now officially know how to fix a septic tank, a talent not all women should necessarily possess, but one that may be helpful nonetheless.

Thursday, June 12: a layer of grease.
Seriously, I need to get a before and after picture of this event grill I have to clean every week. It wasn’t that bad until bbq chicken night and by today, it was just a mess. I’m pretty sure it takes about 3 or 4 hours to clean and to make it worse, we couldn’t shower or go to the bathroom in our house until we figured out what was wrong with the septic tank. So we started digging, and digging, and all the while smelling this wonderful smell of the backed up stuff. And then grandpa Roy appeared and figured out what was wrong. So now we are allowed to shower, but the septic tank is something we have to check regularly. So fun.
Another sweet thing I did today was clean the grease pan from the grill which was chalk full of grease, all the way to the rim. So I stuck my hand in there and dug it out. It felt kind of like clay and it was real interesting. Alex was grossed out, but I thought it was kind of cool… crazy new adventures every single day.

On the flip side, we got to sleep in today, which was great. And the boys slept over last night outside on their cots. They didn’t invite alex and I to sleep out there though, which was fine with us to have the house to ourselves.

You honestly NEVER know what’s going to happen next. It makes life real interesting.

more adventurous than i can tell you.

Monday: simply amazed
It’s 8:45 and the teams just left me. I’m alone here at the church and I’m wondering how much of this time in the morning I’m going to have throughout the summer. There are a million things to do (like cleaning – mom, you’d be so proud). I have meals to prepare and things to get ready because my afternoon will be spent getting kids for Kids Club and visiting the work sites on the last day. Tonight’s meal isn’t the easiest to fix either. But for some reason, I can’t stand up. My mind is racing with everything else.
I don’t think, wait… no, I know I’m not ready for this team to leave. Maybe it’s because it’s my first. Maybe it’s because they have been amazing and organized and so much fun (especially for knee highs!) The days are long and hard. Everyone was right when they told me this was the hardest summer of their life, but also the best. Even though I want to throw my alarm clock in the morning, I also love when it goes off. I’m normally the first one up, making breakfast and putting things together for the teams. The mornings have been cool, but beautiful. And the sight when I walk out our front door and over the parking lot to the outdoor kitchen is breathtaking. How blessed am I to wake up to that every morning this summer…

On Saturday night we took the group to the canyon, on the other side where we could safely hike and build a bonfire. And as I looked across and saw all of the edges and straight drops of the cliffs, I thought about how I’d gotten here. Arizona… never in my wildest dreams. As a freshman, there’s no way I could have taken a leap of faith like this. Look where God’s brought me. And next year, He wants to take me to Africa? What? I never dreamed I could do these things, but then again, it’s really not me doing this at all. It’s all God. The fact that I’m inadequate means that He gets all the glory. And living this way is more adventurous than I can tell you…


*Mom – we have to start investing in Blue Bird flour so I can make Navajo tacos with fry bread when I come home. Miss you lots.

Once again, I thank everyone who has been a support system in my life. Leaving was harder than I thought this summer and I miss you all so much. I am so blessed to have you all in my life. God is so good.

Hanging on to Jesus,
Margie

“I found a way out through everything I’d known
I’m walking fearless with my faith down and all that I own
Don’t take my picture, cause I won’t be there standing alone
I’m living fearless, so fearless, like everyday’s my own”
Fearless – Falling Up

annie, get your gun

Friday: my first puddle-jumper…
I flew to Phoenix in the morning and met the other interns before our puddle-jumper flight to Flagstaff. It was the smallest plane I’d ever been on (besides my uncle’s two-seater that he let me kind of fly). We met Kristy who was sent to help us get situated and hopefully teach me how to cook for large numbers of people.
sidenote: if anyone remembers the section at the old COSI where you fake-cooked from the pioneer days, yeah, cooking here is just like that, only with real food and for 50 people. I should have a picture posted for you soon
Anyways, after we met Kristy and gathered some groceries, we headed out to the reservation. This place is beautiful. There are so many mountains and with the red dirt and clear blue skies it was such a wonderful change from the flat Midwest that I’m used to seeing.
We met a good portion of the Tate family on Friday as well. Grandpa Roy and Grandma Suzie greeted us. They have 8 children, all of who live on the same road with their respective families. Their daughter Sarah is married to the pastor of the church and we met her and her family who we will be working close with as well.
We came back to the house and the church property, had a late dinner and went to bed early since we had all been up since 4 or 5 in the morning.

Saturday: get your gun…
We had the morning to ourselves but that probably won’t happen often. By lunchtime we had half of the family running through our small intern house fixing some of the plumbing and hanging out with us. We sat down and met with Pastor James and Sarah about some logistics and spent time sitting and talking with the family.
Relationships are key with the Navajo. Time is flexible and they love to sit around and talk with everyone. So that’s exactly what we did. And then the boys decided to take us on a little adventure.
In this family’s “backyard” is a canyon that they know like the back of their hand. It’s not that far away, but you have to do some serious off-roading to get there. So here we are, in the back of a truck, driving next to this serious canyon. (mom, you wouldn’t have made it, there were times when I couldn’t look). The canyon was beautiful. There’s a part that hangs over a 3000 foot drop that they call the egg shell. It’s a good thing they didn’t tell me where I was until I was on top of it.
We then hiked up a little mountain thing to get a better view of the canyon and this is where I experienced a first in my life. I shot two guns off into the canyon. One kicked a little and that’s the video that will hopefully work on this page. The other pictures are mostly from the canyon on Saturday. We finished the evening with a very late BBQ with the Tate family, which was, once again, amazing. They are so full of life and can always make me laugh.

Sunday: rock band
Church followed by a family picnic. Seriously, can this get any better? Navajo fry bread and Jeremy’s amazing grilling abilities left me stuffed after a Sunday lunch with the Tates. I love them more and more every day.
Pastor James took us to see some of the construction projects today (which was good for me because I won’t be leaving the church much with Kids Club and my LARGE cooking responsibilities). I had to remind myself to walk into these sites with an open mind. They simply live differently and we are here to completely help and not judge at all. At times, it’s like being in another country because they ALL speak Navajo. So if they don’t want us to hear what they’re saying, they’ll talk in Navajo around us. It’s really interesting though, because it helps us rely on them. We are so not in control here. We need these people, and it’s humbling, but I’m so grateful for their presence and complete involvement.
Anyways, Sunday night consisted of us sitting around with the boys and being amazed by their Rock Band abilities. These kids are good, and they put me to shame when I attempted to play the drums. (I only failed once!)

Monday: the grill
I think it took us 6 or so hours to clean up the camp and it took a while to clean this grill to get it ready for the team coming Thursday. We also sorted the food pantry and semi-organized what we had so that cooking can be more efficient for me as I attempt to feed 50 people every night. I’m excited though, just pray that I don’t burn anything.

Tuesday: black widow spiders
We finished up some cleaning projects and organizational things. And as we were cleaning the outdoor showers, Kristy found a black widow spider in the corner and I watched her kill it. (I’m so not to the point where I can kill deadly animals myself). We’ve been briefed on how to recognize the things that need to be killed around here, like black widow spiders, scorpions, and rattlesnakes (for that, you call one of the local teenage boys and watch them kill it with a shovel… but they taught us how to walk/run away!).
The family took us to Navajo park where there are some cave-dwellings you can view from afar (again, mom, the height thing would kill you!) And then we went up into Utah to see Monument Valley during the sunset, and it was beautiful. Everything seems so majestic out here and we are all amazed (especially since we’re from the mostly flat Midwest).

Wednesday: the grocery bill
We’re in Page today (an hour from the rez), getting on the internet because we don’t have it where we are and doing our grocery shopping for the upcoming week with a team. It’s completely overwhelming, knowing I have to buy 600 slices of bread plus all of the other crazy numbers of things it takes to feed 45-50 people for a week. I still can’t wrap my head around the numbers and the amount this grocery bill is going to be…

In other news, my fears have faded tremendously. I’m probably less nervous than I should be, especially with our first team coming tomorrow. But God has granted me an extreme kind of peace and I want to thank everyone that has been praying for me and this summer. I’ve already seen his hand in placing me here, with these other two interns (who are amazing, by the way!) and with this incredibly relational and wonderful family (think the Starkey/Aurand clan times 6). He is so good and now I’m simply excited about being here and serving for God’s glory.



In case you want to send me anything, here’s the address.
Margie Termeer
Hc 70 Box 3
PMB Box 5086
Tonalea, AZ 86044

I love you all, and I really do miss everyone. But it’s so comforting knowing that this is where I’m supposed to be.

you jump, i jump, jack...

i'm a little scared.

no. wait. that's a lie. 

i'm a lot scared. 

jumping into the unknown is scary and that's exactly what i'll be doing in 8 hours. i'm once again feeling inadequate, that maybe i'm not quite ready. but maybe that's how i'm supposed to feel. because it's in those moments that i only have one place to turn. i'm leaving my family behind and my friends behind. i've known my teammates less than a week and i don't know anyone on the reservation. 

so there's one place i can go. 

God, i'm running fast into your arms. you're going to have to hold me up this summer and give me the strength to go on. 

i'm jumping and it's all for YOU. 

the people you meet

maybe Disney World has the right idea with their ride and song "it's a small world"

or maybe God is just so amazing that he can take the small things in the big world and bring them to our attention.

bermuda is not that big. the entire country is 21 miles long and maybe 1 mile wide. there's 65,000 people. it's the size of a small city in the states. everybody knows everybody. you say hi to the bus driver when you step on the bus and everyone honks at each other all the time as a way of saying hi. 

and it was here, in this small place that i met kelli last week.

kelli was on our flight from philidelphia to bermuda last friday and my friend overheard her say she was from indiana. turns out that kelli and I had a random connection and that got us talking the other night when we met up and went out for dessert.

we talked about missions, about our life goals, about where God has brought us and the amazing opportunities he has given to both of us to pursue what we love this summer. it was one of the best conversations i've had with a "relative stranger"

and yet kelli didn't feel like a stranger. she felt like an old friend, like someone I had known for a while. she was easy for me to talk to and we understood exactly where the other person was coming from even though our interests and passions are seemingly completely different. 

kelli and I are somehow a part of this larger church body that is bigger than the united states, bigger than bermuda and bigger than any other place in the world we may both travel. and meeting members of the church should feel like meeting old friends. we all share something. we share a love for God, a belief that has carried most of us throughout the hardest times in our life. why are we so unwilling to share our stories, to meet each other in different places?

last week the world felt small to me. 

but this week the world feels big. and not an overwhelming big, but a big that is still smaller than God. God is bigger, and yet he can also work in the smallest ways that we never see coming. 

*at the end of our conversation kelli told me that talking with me had been such an encouragement to her. this, in turn, was incredibly encouraging to me and i walked away thanking God for orchestrating our meeting. i walked away full of joy that night and completely amazed at how our God works. 

being alone

if gas was cheaper, i'd be taking mid-night drives around the 270 loop all the time. 

there's something about driving alone, in the summer, in the middle of the night, alone.

for some, this has absolutely no appeal. 

for me, it's a dream.

kind of like my dream vacation: a week by myself on some beach somewhere with no phone, no computer and no contact with any one person i know. just me, my bible, my journal and the beach. i would love it.

so i don't know what it was about tonight that made me think that the world needs to move slower.

maybe it was the fact that there was no one on the roads.

maybe it was the 5 minute train i had to wait for on orange rd.

maybe it was being amazed by God for making beautiful nights.

on my last night in costa rica this spring break i woke up in the middle of the night and had to go to the bathroom. 

i hated this.

it meant i had to walk outside with my headlight looking on the ground for some kind of spiders or something.

and normally i had to kill some insect in the bathroom first.

but this last night, i looked up at the sky.

and in costa rica, in the jungle, you can see more stars than you ever thought you could see.

and i stood there, almost falling over, looking as hard as i could up at the beautiful stars

thinking...

this is incredible. this is God. this is how good He is.

why do i not stop sometimes to look at the night sky and be thankful?

why do i not slow down to remember God's faithfulness?

what's the arizona sky going to be like?

what's the african sky going to be like?

God, help me appreciate the sky and the slowness of life wherever i am...