failing and falling... and climbing back up

The team told me the meals were good, but I got a different word from others, and I have to admit that I wasn’t so impressed with myself. The timing is insane when trying to cook for 50+ people, and I haven’t been in the rhythm I need. And when someone tells you outright you need to go to spaghetti class, it doesn’t quite make your day. There’s so much to learn for a seemingly thankless job. And when I took on the cooking, I didn’t realize that there was so much cleaning involved as well. Cleaning is not my favorite activity.
Plain and simple, I failed a lot this week. Only a few saw it, but it was so evident to me that I once again felt completely inadequate to be here. Is that how I’m supposed to feel throughout this whole summer? Or will some measure of confidence slowly start to creep into my life as I continue to cook and live 24/7 with this crazy job? There are definite moments when I look up at the sky and ask God what he was thinking…

Our “days off” have been more than incredible. They always involve cleaning, which isn’t my favorite, but kinda has to be done. But then there are hours and moments like we had today, as we hiked far down into the canyon and saw the most incredible sights. Pictures are never good enough, and for those of you that could make the hike, I would encourage you to come down here in a heartbeat. God’s handiwork is everywhere, and as we sat and listened to Daniel’s canyon stories, I have to admit I was convicted. They’re testing our character here. Maybe that’s why life seems so hard sometimes… most times. Maybe the hike down was a test of character. Did I pass? I made it back up, but I honestly have no idea what they think of me.
But does it really truly matter? Am I here to please the people here or am I here because this is where God has placed me? Where’s my focus? Who’s my focus? It’s a hard question to answer. Hard because you have to deal with the people you’re working with and yet they are not perfect either, like me… and I’m not here to worship them or give them any sort of glory. It’s all for Him. It’s all for the man who saved me so many years ago and brought me to this place.

I’ve failed and I’ve fallen in the past week. But even when I’m tired and I can’t breathe, I know there’s some sort of strength in me to climb back up. I did it tonight. I made it back to the top of the canyon. And yes, I had some amazing people standing beside me or behind me or holding my hand. But there was still some courage and strength to get back up. It came from Him, the man I’ll gladly hand my life over to.


Bonzo said...

Good for you for recognizing from the get go that you are working to please God and not man. You are on a learning curve that everyone who has ever lived has gone through - figuring out ways to do something that you must do but have never done before. Wish I could be there to hug you and let you know that when you've done your best, that is all God expects. And that He is the one that counts. And that He will help you learn. And that by the end of the summer, you will have learned exactly what you were supposed to learn. You are the best and I love you so much. Mom

Bonzo said...

I laid awake most of the night Sunday thinking about spaghetti... and hope you were able to ask the team there this week to give you a helper. Miss you so much. Mom

jediarcher said...

I'm not sure that feeling should ever go away. I look back at my own experiences and realize that I was never closer to God then when I felt completely unqualified to do what I felt He was asking me to do. I think that is part of the wonder and mystery of faith. He glorifies Himself in our weakness. He created us to do what He didn't even need us for in the first place, and then he revels in our obedient (yet most times flawed) response. I am proud of your faithfulness and perspective, and I hope that means something and nothing all at the same time. Brandon